Jack's Bad Day
by Strawberriee
Summary: The title says it all. More chapters to come. PG13 for swearing, naughty words, and mild actions. I am sorry if I offended anyone (especially Natsume) but please r+r! I promise you'll laugh your arse off! r+r r+r r+r pweeze?
1.

**_ Jack's Bad Day _**

¤ ¤ ¤ 

I do not own any Harvest Moon characters. Do not sue me if I hurt any Natsume employees! Please! 

**A**fter Harvest Moon: Back to Nature, Jack is bored out of his mind. So him and his dog, Koro, are having a long conversation in the early morning of Spring 2nd. 

Jack: Pass me the newspaper, Koro. 

Koro: Alright. (Hands newspaper) 

Jack: Shoot, the Yankees lost again. 

Koro: Against who? 

Jack: The Daemons. 

Koro: There is no such team as the Dae-

Jack: If I say there is such a team, then I say!

Koro: You ain't having a good day.

Jack: Of course I am not having a good day! What do you think! I am bored out of my mind and I bet Natsume is making more dumbass plans of Harvest Moon games! 

Koro: They always are. And I wonder.. do you think you'll ever be with Karen again? 

Jack: The moron divorced me! She put our baby boy up for adoption! No, I hate Karen! We'll never be together again! I am after Popuri but that lame-o Kai is trying to steal her!

Koro: Let's go take a stroll through the beach.

Jack: If you watch channel 37 you'd know the damn beach burned down.

Koro: I know! Let's act for our new game, Harvest Moon 3: Save the Homeland!

Jack: Uhh, NO. You know what? I look like a fucking retard in that game! My hair is long and I look like a hippie with no clothes on! IT SUCKS, I TELL YOU! NATSUME HAS THE CRAZIEST IDEAS EVER IN GAMING HISTORY! Long hair makes me look like Cliff! Cliff as a hobo! SAVE THE HOMELAND STINKS ON ICE! IT'S REPULSIVE, HORRENDOUS, AND IT REAKS! REAKS MORE THAN KAREN'S STENCH I USED TO SMELL IN THE DAMNED MORNING!

Koro: You are right. Save the Homeland sucks major assholes and asswipes with shit on it. 

Jack: What dumbass's idea was it to make that game!

Koro: Natsume.

Jack: Besides them!

Koro: Don't make fun of your mom. 

Jack: I think I will team up with Link + Zelda. 

Koro: They wouldn't want you. 

Jack: But Miyamoto would! I have looks, I am strong, and I bet I could handle a sword more better than Link does. 

Koro: Oh brother. 

Jack: Shut the hell up and turn on Babe Watch. 

Koro: Jack, it is 9 o' clock in the morning. 

Jack: Dammit! They need to reschedule it. 

Koro: Your day isn't good. 

Jack: I know! I should team up with Kirby! 

Koro: You think Kirby forgives you?

Jack: About what?

Koro: You kicked his ass good when he invaded your farm.

¤ ¤ ¤ 

Kirby: I will never forget what Jack did to my ass! 

Ribbon: Shut up and kiss me.

¤ ¤ ¤

Jack: Get me one of those Greasy Cereal Bars! 

Koro: No. 

Jack: What do you want to wear, your fur or your tongue? 

Koro: Natsume said you really should watch your weight. 

Jack: So what if I tip the car over a few times? 

Koro: Popuri don't like your weight either. 

Jack: What does she care? I've always been a fat farmer. 

Koro: Jack, your mom sent ten six-packs of Slim Fast in the mail, and you've gained ten pounds in the last week. 

Jack: Last year she sent cheesy poofs! 

Koro: Last year you were as skinny as Hell. 

Jack: Well then, it's time to fatten myself up! 

Koro: Jack, you insolent goat! 

Jack: Let's go to the Chilis' Restaurant and eat a smokey Mushroom Jack! 

Koro: NO! I will not allow any weight for you no more! You look like your pregnant! 

Jack: I am, you dimwit. 

Koro: (Screams) 

Jack: Kidding. 

Koro: Where's Sonic the Hedgehog 3 for Sega? 

Jack: Don't know, gotta go, going slow, you wanna blow, notta flow. 

Koro: Then, let's go on the computer and log into www.HmFarm.com! 

Jack: I'd rather go to a porno website. 

Koro: Jack! www.HmFarm.com is the best Harvest Moon website out there! They even have rumors about us! 

Jack: Nah, rather work on plans for Harvest Moon for Girl. 

Koro: Jack, you are not even in that game. 

Jack: I know, but I can sneak in the girl's room and look at her change her clothes. 

Koro: What a day for you. Dammit! 

Jack: Ooh, I am telling, you cussed! 

Koro: Shut up you hogwart!

Then suddenly, there is a commercial on TV.

TV: It is official folks! Harvest Moon 3: Save the Homeland is for PS2 and Jack ain't even in it! 

Jack: DAMMIT! NATSUME! 

Koro: Calm down.

Jack: HOW CAN I CALM DOWN! I AM NOT IN THE HOBO-EST GAME OF ALL TIME! 

Koro: Jack, little kids are reading this fanfic!

Jack: I know, but kids can handle bad words, right kids? SAY YES, YOU MORONS! 

Koro: (Slaps Jack) 

Jack: Ow!

Koro: Jack you reak! 

Jack: I took a shower last year. THIS HARVEST MOON: BACK TO NATURE GAME DON'T EVEN GOT BATHROOMS FOR SHOWERS OR TOILETS! I HAVE BEEN HOLDING MY PISS + SHIT FOR TWO YEARS!

Koro: Piss + Shit? That sounds like a cereal. 

Jack: Wow, maybe it is. 

Then suddenly, Cliff barges in the door. 

Jack: Cliff, you mother fuc- 

Cliff: Can I stay over? I am a homeless hobo, so let me! 

Jack: Whatever.

Cliff: Cool! My goal for this year is to drunken myself and watch Malcolm in the Middle and watch Malcolm get his butt kicked by the carnival from Hell! 

Jack: Ow! My head hurts! 

Koro: You need a good dose of Tylenol. (Looks in cabinet) 

Jack: (Clutching head) Find any? 

Koro: (Screams) 

Jack: Please don't tell me we don't got any..

Koro: We don't!

So for Jack + Koro, this begins the search for Tylenol.

A/N: How do you like Chapter One? I am sorry if this offends anybody. Chapter Two to come soon! Will Jack ever find Tylenol? 


	2. 

**_ Jack's Bad Day _**

¤ ¤ ¤ 

**S**o, Jack + Koro go next door to see if they got Tylenol. 

Jack: Hello Saibara, do you got any Tylenol? 

Saibara: Ty..len..ol? (Breathes into inhaler) Gee willickers! (Puts fist on chest then belches) 

Jack: You disgusting perverted freak! 

Gray: Oh Jack, didn't see you there. 

Koro: He's BEEN there.. 

Jack: Don't talk any louder than you are right now. I have a headache and somebody's armpits stink.. 

Gray: Mine, I've been working all day. 

Saibara: Sorry Jack, don't got Tylenol. 

Jack: How about heavy-duty Advil? 

Saibara: No, but I got shitty-duty Bayer. Oh crap! I got arthritis in my thumb! 

Gray: Don't mind the old man. I got a secret recipe for Tylenol! 

Jack: Cool! I'll come with you in the kitchen. 

¤ ¤ ¤ 

Gray: First you add some herbs, then you add some burps, then you add some curves, then you add some turds.. 

Jack: Cool! (Sip) Eew!! Taste like mud! 

Gray: It is mud. With crap in it. 

Jack: Now my headache is worse.. 

Koro: Jack, let's go next door to the Aja winery.. 

¤ ¤ ¤

Jack: Hello Manna, you like FINE TONIGHT!

Koro: Damn Manna, why you wearing that sexy dress? 

Manna: Because I manage to DO IT with Duke tonight. 

Jack: Duke isn't into sex.

Manna: How the hell do you think Aja was born, you mortal?

Koro: Anyways do you have Tylenol? Jack has a major headache. 

Manna: No but we have Shit 'n all.

Jack: I'll pass.

Duke: Hey Jack! Need Tylenol?

Jack: Yes! Do you have any? Your worthless bitch wife here says you don't.

Duke: Sorry, we only have Wine 'n all.

Koro: I thought it was Shit 'n all.

¤ ¤ ¤

Jack: Hello Mary, would you happen to have Tylenol?

Mary: No, my dad drank it all. He's got a cold.

Koro: A cold? It's damn hot out here and it hasn't been raining ever since Jack caught on fire! 

Jack: He probably got stuck in the ice cube-inater. 

Mary: He did. Wow, Jack. 

Jack: To hell with you.

¤ ¤ ¤

May: Eat some before I torture you!

Stu: Damn you, May! Of all the people to get married to, it had to be you. 

Jack: Are you guys playing house again? 

May + Stu: Duh!

Koro: Do you guys have any Tylenol? 

Stu: No. 

Ellen: How can a kind old lady help you? 

Koro: Shut up Ellen, you know who we are. 

Jack: Got Tylenol? 

Ellen: No but here comes that Stinky Feet commericial again. 

Jack: Dammit, you got stinky feet? 

Elli: (Washing dishes) Oh hello Jack. 

Jack: I assume you don't got Tylenol. 

Elli: No.

Jack: DAMN THE MAYOR OF MINERAL VILLAGE! 

¤ ¤ ¤ 

Koro: I am telling you nobody in town has Tylenol or heavy-duty Advil! 

Jack: But the Mayor has to.. (Knock) 

Mayor: Hello? (Face all wrinkled and clothes all shitty-looking) 

Jack: Mayor, have you fallen into poverty again? 

Mayor: You bet your car I am! 

Jack: What happened? 

Mayor: Harris ran away and married Lillia. 

Koro: You've been making money off him? Jack let's leave. 

¤ ¤ ¤ 

Jack: Hello, Doctor, got Tylenol? 

Doctor: Nope, we've been outta those for fifteen decades. 

Jack: Figures. But you guys are pharmicists. 

Doctor: I always say, 'Assholes never get Tylenol'. 

Jack: Are you calling me an asshole?

Doctor: No I am calling you an asswipe, now get the hell away from me before I blow my sack! 

¤ ¤ ¤ 

Finally Jack reaches Poultry Farm, the last hope. 

Jack: Popuri, got Tylenol? 

Popuri: No! 

Won: (Walking in) Hey Popuri, do you still want my blue feather? 

Jack: Popuri are you going out with him? 

Popuri: Yeah, so what? 

Koro: Won's a moron! 

Won: Are you guys looking for Tylenol? 

Jack + Koro: Yeah, got any you pervert? 

Won: No, but as a inventor I am, I invented a machine that will warp you to the city and you can get Tylenol there! They haven't invented Tylenol in the countryside yet.

Jack: Then where is your machine?

Won: Right here.

A/N: How do you like Chapter Two? I am sorry if I'm putting too many cuss words, and I'll try to stick in less at Chapter Three. Jack + Koro then get transported into the city.. 


	3. 

**_ Jack's Bad Day _**

¤ ¤ ¤ 

**N**ow Won is explaining to Jack + Koro how to work the machine. 

Won: Both y'alls get inside.. 

Jack: So this is going to warp us to the city? 

Won: Yes, and for sure Tylenol is sold there. (Press button) 

Koro: Hey look Jack, we're disappearing! 

Jack: Goodbye Hell, hello Heaven! 

Then they are suddenly in the middle of a street with cars passing by. 

Koro: What the hell do you call those? 

Jack: Cars, you immortalized mortal! 

Koro: I am hungry. Look for a restaurant.

Jack: Hey, there's one! Looks like an ice cream parlor! It's called (Trying to pronounce) D-d-airryy-Queern. Dairy Queer! 

Koro: Jack, if you could read that says Dairy Queen not Dairy Queer. 

¤ ¤ ¤ 

Jack: HOLY MOLY THEY EVEN GOT A SIMPSONS SLOT MACHINE!

Manager: Hello and how may I help you? 

Jack: HOOCHIE MAMA, THE MANAGER IS HOT! 

Manager: Ahem, what would you like to eat? 

Jack: Are you free tonight?

Manager: Yes I am but I don't want to date you..

Jack: Pu-lease? What is your name?

Manager: Uhh, April.

Jack: April, free tonight?

Manager: WOULD YOU JUST SHUT THE HELL UP BEFORE I SEND YOU OUT! 

Everybody in Dairy Queer, I mean Queen, stared at her.

Manager: Lost my cap there..

Koro: Anyways, me and my fine friend would like a.. Brownie Earthquake?

Employee: (Washing dishes) Yeah, they are Oreo brownies crammed in ice cream + whipped cream. It looks like an earthquake seperated Oreo + Ice cream world.

Manager: Get to work, Jake!

Employee: Yes ma'am..

Manager: Two Brownie Earthquakes, comin' up.

Two hours later.

Koro: I ask for food, I get food!

Manager: Sorry, outta Oreos.

Koro: Why didn't you tell us?

Manager: Look, dog..

Koro: My name is Koro and I'm a talking dog to you..

Manager: Ahem, KORO, I told your pregnant friend over there!

Koro: DAMMIT! Jack why didn't you say?!

Jack: I forgot to tell you, and why did she call me pregnant?

Koro: I think we should take you to an exercise class. 

¤ ¤ ¤

Jack: Wow, I've only been exercising ten minutes and I look like a Popuri!

Koro: To hell with you. Let's leave.

¤ ¤ ¤

Jack: This has to be the worst day of my life.

Koro: You're telling me.

Jack: Maybe a nearby Grocery Store will have my Tylenol. HEY I SEE ONE!

Koro: That one? It's called.. (trying to pronounce) All-furt-chins. Let's go into Allfurtchins!

¤ ¤ ¤

Koro: Hmm, in aisle # 145,567,434,334,039,454,985,475,845,749,758,669,802,222 there is medicine!

Three million aisles later.

Jack: Why don't we take the elevator?

Koro: You didn't tell me about an elevator.

Jack: WELL IF YOU HAVE EYES YOU WOULD KNOW! Freaking dog hooker that puts up sex ads in the newspaper..

¤ ¤ ¤

Koro: It's taking too long.

Elevator: BING!

Doors slowly open. Jack uses his power to push the doors.

Jack: Damn doors, don't know nothing.

Koro: Here it is! Tylenol.. empty.

Jack: Somebody drank it already!

Manager: Hello, how may I help you?

Koro: Got Tylenol? My friend here has a major headache.

Manager: Headaches! Headaches! That's the main excuse for kids at school these days!

Jack: Do I look like a kid? Freakin' rock eating shit-face..

Manager: Sorry, been outta those.

Jack: D'oh!

Manager: There is **no** Tylenol in all of the city.

Jack: Please! My headache is making me miserable! I need Tylenol, dammit!!

Manager: Come with me, you two. I have a special warp machine that will warp you into Egypt.

Jack + Koro: EGYPT? WHAT THE FUCK?

¤ ¤ ¤

Manager: Slip inside here..

Jack: Why would there be any in Egypt?

Manager: I heard they got a new shipment of Tylenol.

Jack: Whatever, I'll do anything. My headache aches!

A/N: This is the last author's note! I just wanted to say PLEASE R+R! Thank you! Chapter Four coming soon.. What is there is store, for Jack + Koro, in Egypt? 


End file.
